good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
