my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize