me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
