she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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