he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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