I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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