I wish I only lived at night.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
