we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
