I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
