you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
