he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
