You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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