Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
