We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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