I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
