I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
