i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
