people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Come share oat with me in your robe
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
