I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
