Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
