You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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