apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
