So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
