Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
