Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
