Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
