I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
