My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
