i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
