you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
