Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
