dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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