i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
