Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
