Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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