everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
