Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We need a shit load of segways right now
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
