I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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