The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
