I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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