There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
