dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
