I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
