But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
