My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
