just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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