So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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