I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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