I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You're a waste of cheezeits
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
