all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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