I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
