I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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