My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Enjoy the penises
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize