my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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