Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
