True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
