Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
