I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
