Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize