meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
