mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
